How not to change the oil in your car

During my self-imposed exile (due to combined chronic cases of busy-itis, lazy-itis and freezophobia) from cycling, I've put a lot more miles on the cars this winter. Accordingly, it was time to do another simple oil change on one of them (an older Saturn, if you're curious). Now, changing the oil, especially in a Saturn is a fairly simple process:

1. Unscrew the drain plug in the oil pan and drain the old oil into an approved container.
2. Remove the old oil filter
3. Screw on and tighten the new filter
4. Replace the drain plug(!)
5. Pour in 4 quarts of new oil.

It can normally be accomplished in 30-45 minutes in the driveway, including allowing 15-20 minutes of doing other stuff while the oil fully drains from the engine. Simple, effective, and usually cheaper than going to one of the instant-oil-chamge places.

Not this weekend.

Day 1:

First, I drove over to the auto parts store and spent nearly $40 on fresh oil, a new filter, and a new air filter to go along. Normally, Valvoline charges me about $45 to do the whole job for me in about 10 minutes. So I'm already nearly at break-even cost before I get home.

I pull in the driveway and shut down, pop the hood and open the oil fill cap on top of the engine. This helps prevent a vacuum lock and helps the oil drain quicker. At least I remembered that the drain plug takes a 14mm wrench, so I didn't have to try three different sizes. I slightly jack the car up (it's low-slung and I'm not skinny anymore), shove the drain bucket underneath and remove the plug. For the first time in years, I manage to do this without spilling hot oil all over my hand. So far, so good!

I give that about 15 minutes and then return to handle the filter. There are two ways to reach the filter on this particular car: from underneath, where there's not much room and it's hard to see, but no disassembly is required, or from inside the right front wheel well where visibility and access are very good, but the wheel and wheel well cover must be removed. I opt for the under-car method.

I slip the strap wrench over the filter and begin to turn it... but it won't budge. The handle turns to tighten the strap, but goes no further. Worse, I can't seem to remove the wrench without an unusual amount of wriggling. I reach up to feel it and realize that I have slightly crumpled the back end of the filter. Bad news. No way this thing should be so tight. Even worse, my wrench is now coming apart.

Cursing softly under my breath (the kids are in the yard...) I crawl back out from under the car, jack it up further, and remove the wheel and wheel well to inspect the situation. Sure enough, not only is my wrench bad, but the filter can is now crumpled enough that it wouldn't work anyway. Off to the auto-parts store for a new, different wrench. I'm now $55 and over an hour into a job that would have taken $45 and 10 minutes at Valvoline.

The new wrench doesn't work either, merely crushing the can further. Next step: drive a screwdriver through it (yes, this is actually fairly easy - the filter's shell is not much thicker than a soda can) and use that for leverage. No go. Turning the screwdriver merely tears a larger hole in the can. Further attempts with larger screwdrivers and other wrenches only worsen the situation. I now have the dirty oil that was trapped in the filter dripping all over my drive shaft, frame, and driveway, not to mention my hands and tools. At least it's cooled significantly.

After two hours and a number of other tools, I take a break and call the "master mechanic" - my father. He suggests removing the shell of the filter. Once that is done, the base of the filter, where it screws to the engine block is accessible. This base is a plate with a large, central hole which threads onto the pipe through which filtered oil flows from filter to engine, ringed by a set of smaller holes through which dirty oil enters the filter from the engine. Once this is accessible, one can insert a pair of pins into the inlet holes and wrench the base plate free.

Doing so, however, requires some tools I don't have, so I clean up and take the family to the mall for a stop at Sears. $50 later I've got a pair of side-cutters (useless for this particular task, but might have worked), a pair of "aviation snips" (tin snips), and a pair of mechanic's work gloves (to protect my already bleeding fingers from shrapnel). Tally so far: $105 and four hours, not counting trips to stores.

Day Two:

A bit of luck on this day. After handling other chores till nearly 4:00 and worrying about lack of daylight, I dive back into the task. As expected, the side cutters do not work on the filter shell - they're designed to cut copper wire, not tin sheet metal. The aviation snips, however, work fantastically, if one discounts the large size and close quarters. After another hour of struggle, I'v e completely dismantled the filter, except for the tightly-jammed base plate. I can now clearly see what is needed, but have no way to accomplish the task.

After a few failed attempts to build a homemade spanner wrench with two nails and the available lumber, it's off to the auto-parts store again. There, I spy the (nearly) perfect tool for this task: a cheap pair of long-handled 45 degree angled needle-nose pliers. These pliers have extra long handles and most importantly long, narrow, pointed jaws that are bent 45 degrees from the plane of the handles. This crucial feature will allow me to open the jaws wide, insert the tips into opposite holes in the plate, and get lots of leverage to turn the handles in the direction needed to un-jam the plate.

Returning home yet another $10 poorer, I set to the task. The pliers turn out to be ideal. While a 90-degree bend would have allowed me to apply somewhat better torque to the plate, it also would have required me to put my arm through the right wheel strut. The 45-degree bend gave me room to work.

Summoning all the limited upper body strength I had (remember, I'm a fat, out of shape cyclist...), I nserted the plier tips, squeezed the handles tightly to grip the plate, and began to turn. At first, no joy, but after repeated attempts, the plate began to turn ever so slowly. Finally, after an exhausting effort to get it loosened, the filter base spun freely from the spindle and into my waitinig hand. The wrench, of course, was ruined by the twisting presssure placed upon it. Good thing it was a cheap one.

I cleaned and inspected the mounting point for the filter on the engine block, and saw no issues. The new filter spun smoothly into place, and the rest of the oil change went as smoothly as ever. Fifteen minutes later, the car was running, the tools cleaned and put away, and the mess cleaned up.

Tally: $115, 6 hours over two days, four trips to auto-parts and/or tool stores, one Band-Aid, one tool ruined, and a half dozen other chores deferred to next weekend.

Did I mention that an "oil change" on a bicycle is far, far simpler?